it's a new dawn; it's a new day

over the past academic year, i seem to have lost the habit of blogging.

which is a pity, because these are some of the best years of my life and i should at least record them for posterity's sake.

but more importantly, writing helps me process my thoughts and can be quite cathartic an experience as well.

which brings me to my maiden post.

in a brand new blog.

why a new blog? well, because i would like to mark the start of a new phase in my life where i commit myself to acting like an adult -- through and through.

huifang's away on a business trip for 2.5 weeks, and during this time, i think i've really had time to reflect on the momentous changes that have occurred since my return to singapore.

despite appearances, i have yet to fully deal with the two significant emotionally dislocating events that have befallen me in the past few months.

1) my permanent return to singapore -- at least for the foreseeable future
2) the resumption of my NS

one very significant problem has already arisen with regards to the first issue -- that of family. truth be told, one of my primary motivating factors for leaving singapore was the desire to get away from my dad and seek the hitherto alluring and mystical experience of true independence. but now that i am home, i feel that i should be more committed to my family, rather than a mere flitting presence, especially if i hope to start one of my own someday.

as for NS, what can i say? since i traded pink for green on july 3rd, my life so far has been rather privileged. although i did not get what i truly desired, i would say i have little to complain about. what really matters now is that regardless of how meaningful my life inside NS is, i must do my darndest to ensure like outside of NS is as fulfilling as possible.

now is the time to be more forward-thinking. something i wish i did more while i was overseas. perhaps it was because i did not have the 2 years of NS to reflect on what i wanted to achieve in life.

even now, what do i want to achieve?

a passage from a paper peijun sent to me lately on the quarter-life crisis struck me:

"In the academic environment, goals were clear-cut and the ways to achieve them were mapped out distinctly…But after graduation, the pathways blur…there is no definitive way to get from point A to point B, regardless of whether the points are related to a career, financial situation, home or social life…The extreme uncertainty that twentysomethings experience after graduation occurs because what was once a solid line that they could follow throughout their series of educational institutions has now disintegrated into millions of different options...People have to invent their own road map."

how true. johnny remarked last night that while some of us may be very driven to achieve great things in our careers, others might have different priorities and different goals.

those who know me well will know that, yes, i worry a lot about my career. in general, achievement gives my life meaning. achievement (of the various varieties) bolsters self-worth, and that's part of what drives me.

but at the same time, i feel that my life should mean more than that. to be specific, i feel that life is about the relationships that you forge with others.

the challenge, then, is...can we do it all?

i don't know about that.

but i am certain that i definitely want it all.